Broken Heart

To respect the birth mother's privacy, I will refer to her as "K"

K first contacted us in September. The bond was instant. She was 5 months pregnant with a baby girl. She had decided to place the baby for adoption after much thought and prayer. When she decided to place, she consulted with her bishop, who encouraged her to go to LDS Family Services. She decided that she wanted a broader range of families and so she went to a website called parent profiles. She found us on parent profiles and couldn't stop thinking about us. She called to get more information and was pleasantly surprised to discover that we were LDS. She said that she knew before she contacted us that we were the family for this baby. When I read her email, I also felt the spirit very strong and I knew that this baby was supposed to be part of our family. K and I developed a great relationship over the next couple of months. She showed her bishop our profile and he told her that she promised us this baby in the pre-existence. She also showed her best friend "R", who also felt we were the right family. R had been with K from the very beginning and helped her through her entire pregnancy.

We went to meet K in early November and the visit went really well. We continued to cultivate our relationship with K until the time came for the birth. K had some financial problems but Maryland it is illegal to give pass along funds so the Arizona agency suggested that K pick a family in Arizona so she could get some financial help. K was very upset and said she wasn't going to choose another couple because she knew that we were meant to be Brooklyn's parents.

K wanted us to be in the hospital with her for the birth. It was an amazing experience. We went to the hospital on Friday and on Saturday morning, Brooklyn was born. She was beautiful and I loved her instantly. She had dark hair, round checks and dimples. We spent all day Saturday and Sunday at the hospital. K was still doing well and telling us that Brooklyn was lucky to have us as her parents. Then Sunday night, K asked if she could spend some time alone with Brooklyn. Of course, we said yes and agreed to come back in the morning.

On Monday morning, K's friend R sent a text saying that K wanted some more time. She was supposed to be discharged between 10-1 so when we hadn't heard anything by noon, I text K and she said that Brooklyn still needed her hearing test done and then they could be discharged. Meanwhile we received some phone calls from R and other church members that K was thinking of parenting Brooklyn. K's sister (who unfortuantly is addicted to crystal meth and has had her three children taken away by CPS before) was telling K that she was a bad person for "giving away" her baby and that if she loved her baby that she would "keep" her.

By 4 p.m. I had to go back to the hospital. It had been almost 24 hours and I missed Brooklyn so much. I sent K a text letting her know we would sit in the lobby until discharge. When we got there, K's social worker came, and K refused to see her. In fact, she had a nurse guarding the door and no one was allowed in but her sister. At this point I was really confused and scared. I text K but she wouldn't text back. I told her that if she decided to parent, we understood, but we wanted to just say good bye to Brooklyn. She still didn't reply. R came and was very upset. She was very supportive of the adoption and didn't understand why K was changing her mind. K wouldn't let R in the room either. R told us and the social worker that K was sentenced to go to jail for 6 months and couldn't take care of Brooklyn. At that point, we saw K's cousin sneak around with a car seat. I sent a text telling K that she could stay with us if she wanted more time because we had all of the things for a baby. K didn't have food, a place for the baby to sleep, clothes, nothing. No reply. We sat in the lobby and every time the doors opened I thought I was going into cardiac arrest. And I had to watch pregnant woman after pregnant woman get tours of the facility. There was even a family sitting behing us waiting for their daughter/sister named "Brooke" to give birth. Every time they said her name pain coursed through me. I sent another text just asking to please say goodbye to Brooklyn. Instead, she called security to escort her out. When I saw that I was shocked. K had never even wavered and that quickly she changed her mind and wouldn't even let us say goodbye? Were we really a threat? Why security? When I saw security go to her room, I told Jason I wanted to leave. I wasn't going to allow myself to be humilated like that. As K's worker put it, it was "a slap in the face". We were very confused and instead of leaving the hospital with Brooklyn as planned, we left alone.

K text me twice that night saying that she was confused and wanted more time alone to think. But instead she had her sister with her and ignored all friends and church members who supported the adoption. We think that she wanted validation that parenting Brooklyn would be ok. K called me Tuesday morning and said she was going to sign the papers at 5 pm. At 4:15 she called and was having doubts again. She said that she was waiting for her sister and family to come say goodbye. They were supposed to come at 3, but hadn't come yet. They didn't come until late in the evening. The social worker came to sign the papers, but K didn't show. She didn't text back that night. Wed she agreed to meet with us through text but wouldn't comitt to a time and that was the last we ever heard from her. She didn't even call or text to tell us she decided to parent, she just let the time run out.

We aren't angry with K for deciding to parent, we understand that. We know K loves Brooklyn and that placing a child for adoption takes a lot of courage and is extremely difficult. But we are hurt and confused at the way she did it though. We have no closure, no resolution. After all the time, money and emotion that we had invested, we deserved closure.

We know that Brooklyn was supposed to be a part of our eternal family, but Heavenly Father has given us all free agency and he won't take that away. It is our hope and prayer that Brooklyn will feel a pull to the church and can someday have an eternal family of her own.

The pain comes in waves. The first 24 hours I couldn't eat, breathing was difficult and my heart felt like it was going to explode. The plane ride with all the baby's things, but no baby...coming home...no baby. Most of the time I feel numb and that's easy. Then it hits me like a ton on bricks and I sob my heart out. People think that because I didn't give birth to her, that it isn't that difficult for me, but she was my daughter, even if just for a few days, and I love her. I was there for her birth, I named her, I held her in my arms, I kissed her sweet head...and then she was gone...and I didn't even get to say goodbye.

But there are three things I am confident of. One, Laneah is my rock and my sunshine. I don't know what I would do without her. Two, I still have complete faith in adoption. I know that it is beautiful and wonderful and even though this was a negative experience, I am jumping right back in. In fact our profile is already back online. And third, my faith in Heavenly Father has not wavered. I know that He loves me and He wants me to be happy. I know that he will provide me with another opportunity to adopt and that we will be blessed with more children.

I know that we did everything right and everything that we could. We sincerely wish K the best of luck and continue to pray for her and for Brooklyn. We ask that you do the same and please don't have any bitter feelings towards K. Thank you for all your love, support and prayers. I have felt it and it has helped immensely. We feel very blessed to have such great friends and family.